Parents are human, after all. There are days when we can’t help but meet our children’s basic needs: feed them, bathe them, maintain a positive tone, cuddle them, and put them to bed at a reasonable hour, so we can do it all again the next day. Since parenting is the hardest job on the planet—and since most of us do it in our spare time, after working a full-time job—the only way to maintain a strong bond with our children is to develop daily bonding habits. What kind of habits?

* Develop small rituals that reconnect you and your child throughout the day, especially around separations. For example, set aside five minutes each day first thing in the morning to lie down with each child and cuddle them, to reconnect and ease the transition to starting the day, before asking your child to become their “executive.” (Many parents use television for this transition, which only increases the loss of

connection and results in a sluggish child—and a frustrated parent.)

* Give your child a brief emotional refueling period before she moves into what she sees as a separation—bedtime, daycare, even shopping or making dinner.

* Twelve hugs a day. Bonding is a primal need, and for most children, it depends on the child feeling physically connected to you. As family counselor Virginia Satir famously said, “We need four hugs a day to survive. We need eight hugs a day to protect. We need twelve hugs a day to thrive.”

Hug your child first thing in the morning, every time you say goodbye or hello, and whenever you can in between. Lie down for a bedtime chat and cuddle every night with each child. This is as essential for your nine-year-old as it is for your toddler. If he refuses all those hugs, give him a daily shoulder or foot massage.

* Turn off technology while you’re interacting with your child. Honestly. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents to turn off their cell phones when they were with her.

* Evenings are family time. Stop working before dinner so you can devote your evening to your family. Turn off your cell phone and computer. Eat dinner together without interruptions from phones or TV. Put aside etiquette to create a warm, inclusive atmosphere.

* ((Quality Time)). Ten to twenty minutes with each child each day, and longer on weekends. Take turns with your child doing what each of you wants to do, and on the days when it’s your turn, resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, tease your child with rough play to help him dispel his fears with laughter and bond with you.

* When you reconnect physically with your child, consciously refocus your attention on your child. Otherwise, you’ll naturally keep thinking about the meeting you just attended or what you need to buy at the grocery store. Minimize distractions until you reconnect. If you turn off the radio when your child gets in the car, it’s much easier to catch up and hear about what happened at the soccer game. When one of you gets home, don’t answer the phone while you’re greeting him or her, even if it’s a normal breakup.

* Tune in to your child’s mood It’s unlikely that your moods will be in sync after a period of separation, and to reconnect, you’ll likely have to adjust your mood to match your child’s.

* Communicate at their level. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, authors of Hold on to Your Kids and creators of the phrase “Pull Your Child Back,” describe this as “being friendly with your child.” Start with a welcoming hug, make eye contact, and then physically stay in his or her space until you reestablish a warm connection. This is easy to do with a 2-year-old, but is your 8-year-old’s distraction getting in the way of your connection? Give her a playful foot massage, and she’ll likely start recounting her day to you. You’re starting a habit that will keep her wanting to talk from now until her teen years.

* Don’t let the little cracks build up. You need to feel good about your relationship with your child. Children need to know in their hearts that their parents love them and are happy to be with them. If that’s not the case, get the support you need to work through it positively. Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily, and strategically) when your child seems intent on pushing you away is always a mistake. Every difficulty is an opportunity for rapprochement, where you expand your understanding and your child feels seen, heard, and accepted.

* Remember the five-to-one ratio. Scientists have found a way to predict which couples will end up divorcing: those who don’t make sure to have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Maintaining a five-to-one ratio is likely to work in all relationships, including those between parents and children.

If you notice a tense interaction with your child, it's a reminder to find five opportunities to connect soon.