1. Be Assertive First:

Assertive behavior is one of the best approaches to achieving long-term success, as an assertive person always seeks results that serve the interests of all parties. To be assertive, you must possess certain qualities and characteristics, the most important of which are:

a. Use clear and concise statements, and have the ability to distinguish between facts and opinions.

b. Use a firm voice and offer criticism as guidance, not reprimand.

c. Inquire about others’ opinions, ideas, and needs, and seek solutions to difficult issues.

d. Focus on important words.

e. Smile with steady facial expressions when satisfied and use open hand gestures during discussions. However, assertiveness does not mean being aggressive. If you tend to be aggressive in some interactions and wish to change that, you can seek others’ opinions, negotiate decisions, listen without interruption, consider their demands, and allow them to take the lead. Remember, when you are assertive in your dealings, people will feel satisfied with themselves.

2. Listen Attentively:

Listening attentively means focusing beyond the spoken words to understand the true meaning. Remember, we each have one mouth and two ears—use each according to its size. Active listening shows the speaker you value their opinions, ideas, and feelings, and ensures communication is two-way. For effective listening:

a. Eliminate internal distractions. Set aside your worries, don’t interrupt, or finish others’ sentences. Breathe calmly and deeply.

b. Control the environment. Remove noise, avoid interruptions, maintain a reasonable distance, and respect the speaker’s personal space.

c. Listen with warmth and interest. Focus on what is being said, control impulsive reactions, and give full and neutral attention.

d. Use positive expressions like “Yes, yes,” “I like that,” or “That’s a good idea,” or “That’s interesting.”

e. Use non-verbal cues such as nodding, smiling, eye contact, and facial expressions to show engagement.

f. At the end, restate what you understood, and avoid behaviors that interrupt the flow of conversation.

3. Ask Questions:

The goal of asking questions is to extract information or uncover facts. Use different types of questions depending on the situation:

a. Open-ended questions: These stimulate curiosity and thought, encouraging the other person to elaborate or recall specific events or people.

b. Follow-up and probing questions: Used to gather sufficient information, broaden decision-making, and understand motives. Avoid overusing “why,” as it can make others defensive. A related type is the reflective question, useful for clarifying or seeking more details or understanding others’ feelings.

c. Closed-ended questions: These typically get “yes” or “no” answers and are useful for quickly gathering information, though they may limit the dialogue.

d. Less useful questions: These are less effective and should be used sparingly, such as assumption-based questions (“I think you…?”), hypothetical ones (“If you were me…”), or complex, multi-part questions.

Remember the words of poet Rudyard Kipling: “I have six honest serving men, they taught me all I knew. Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who.”

4. Aim to Serve Everyone’s Interests:

Striving to meet everyone’s interests is the ideal way to resolve conflicts. But serving all parties does not mean personal compromise, offering average solutions, or choosing between many options. Instead, it’s about achieving an outcome that all parties can accept.

Understanding how to handle disagreements is a key skill for building lasting relationships. This ability helps you choose the right behavioral strategies to manage different situations and increase your chances of serving everyone’s interests.

5. Offer Constructive Consultation:

Many employees must make changes within their organizations, even without authority over the resources. These individuals may be experts in finance, law, or systems, yet still offer their advice, even within outdated systems. To be a successful consultant:

a. Contact: Reach out to a potential client and arrange a meeting.

b. Agreement: Build mutual trust and shared ground to begin collaboration, which includes sharing experiences and viewpoints.

c. Contracting: Agree on action steps, responsibilities, available resources, and timelines to fulfill the client’s goals.

d. Approach: Either align with the client’s style or work together as a team to solve the problem.

e. Data Gathering and Problem Definition: Use tools to gather information and analyze the issue to identify core problems.

f. Consensus and Execution: Obtain client approval for your recommendations, plan implementation steps, coordinate efforts, and act to achieve results.

g. Review and Closure: Evaluate results, extract lessons learned, and close the task without loose ends.

6. Apply the Right Style:

The Situational Leadership Model by Hersey and Blanchard is widely accepted to improve administrative behavior. It includes the following steps:

a. Directing: Give clear instructions, focus on duties and procedures, correct mistakes promptly, and maintain close supervision.

b. Coaching: Work with others to solve problems, turn ideas into reality, clarify responsibilities, and set performance expectations.

c. Supporting: Help others feel valued, provide help when requested, encourage problem-solving, and let everyone define their roles.

d. Delegating: Distribute tasks and allow others to manage work matters. Let teams create and execute their own plans.

Remember: There’s no single correct style—many valid approaches exist, depending on the person and the situation.

7. Read Body Language:

While verbal communication is essential, non-verbal communication—body language—offers a deeper understanding of people’s true feelings. This includes posture, gestures, and facial expressions. According to Albert Mehrabian, 70% of the message’s impact is conveyed non-verbally. Reading body language requires skills like keen observation, quick thinking, and the ability to link words to their speaker.

8. Be a Successful Team Member:

As English poet John Donne once wrote: “No man is an island.” No matter how independently one works, others will eventually judge their ability to be part of a team.

To be an effective team member, identify which team you belong to, understand its purpose, responsibilities, activities, and working style.