It's part of our responsibility to set boundaries with our children, reject their unreasonable demands, and correct their behavior. Sometimes we're skilled enough that a child doesn't view these interactions negatively—but that rarely happens. More often than not, they see us as denying them something they want, but they assume good intentions because of all the other loving, reassuring interactions that create a positive balance in our relationship.

But no matter how hard we try, sometimes we each have suboptimal interactions with our children, and the balance tips. That's when children develop behavioral attitudes, whether they're two or ten years old. So if you notice a rift between you and your child, it's time to check your balance. Do this even if you think your child is just going through a rough patch. You may be surprised at how much easier that phase becomes once your child feels connected to you.

* Challenges indicate that your relationship's balance is running low. How many loving moments of connection have you had with your child in the past two days?

* What can you do to replenish your relationship with your child? Think of two things you can do today. For example: ((I will sit with her after school while she eats her snack and does her homework, so I can hear more about her day... I will move bedtime earlier so I can spend ten minutes after lights out just connecting with her.))

* Think about the things that contributed to your overdraft. What can you do in the future to ensure your balance with your child is replenished?

Write down five things. Your list could look like this, for example: "Finding ways to spend quality time together as we work through our afternoon and evening routines, so that the whole day isn't about complaining... Turning off my phone in the evenings so I can be more present to help her through her bedtime routine without yelling... Making sure to spend time each evening after I tell her a bedtime story just cuddling with her for five or 10 minutes... Going to bed earlier so I can get enough rest and be more patient in the mornings so I don't blow up at her... We go out for brunch once a month on Sundays."

What's so special about quality time?

Here are the changes our kids have seen thanks to our "quality time" approach:

* They've become noticeably less needy and more independent throughout the day.

* Sibling rivalry has significantly decreased.

* The "need" for screen time has decreased by about 50 percent.

* They've started leaving me alone to complete chores because they know they'll get all my time when I'm done.

- Christine, mother of two boys, ages 6 and 8

Parents who consistently practice "quality time" with their children tell me they see marked changes in their behavior. Why? Because "quality time":

* It gives a child the essential—and unfortunately often elusive—experience of a parent's full, attentive, and loving attention, without which they cannot live happily.

* It reconnects us with our child after periods of separation and daily conflict, making them happier and more cooperative.

It gives children a constant, safe opportunity to "unload" all those sad and scared feelings they've been bottling up in their (metaphorical) emotional baggage, which otherwise would spill out in the form of disruptive behavior.

* It deepens our empathy for our child so that we act more compassionately and see things from their perspective.

* It builds a foundation of trust and partnership between parent and child, which is a prerequisite for them to confide in us with their deepest feelings when they're upset (as opposed to attacking us).

* It convinces the child, on a primal level, that she really matters to their parents. (Of course, you know she does, but she may have doubts at times.)

Every child benefits from "quality time" to reconnect with their parents often, every day if possible. Think of it as preventative maintenance to keep things on track in your family. If you're having problems with your child, the first thing you should change is adding "quality time." How do you do this?

1. Announce that you want to spend 15 minutes of "quality time" with each child, as many days a week as possible. Give it the most special name you can think of, your child's name—for example, "Lauren Time."

2. Choose a time when someone will care for your other children (unless they're old enough that you can count on them to stay busy, even if they know their sibling is getting something they themselves want).

3. Set a timer for fifteen minutes with your child. Turn off all phones so you can't hear incoming calls.

4. Say, "Today you decide what we'll do during 'Jona time.' Tomorrow I'll decide. We'll take turns. Now I'm yours for fifteen minutes. What do you want to do?"

5. Give your child 100 percent of your attention, without hidden agendas or distractions. Just follow their lead. If they want to play with their blocks, don't rush to tell them how to build a tower. Instead, enjoy watching your child explore, play, and create. From time to time, describe what you see: You're making the tower taller... You're standing on your tiptoes to put that block there. If your child wants to hold her hand and spin in circles while wearing her skates until she falls over and over again, consider it your exercise for the day and make it fun. Resist the urge to judge or evaluate your child. Don't suggest your own ideas unless she asks you to. Refrain from checking your cell phone. Simply be present and give your child the amazing gift of feeling seen and acknowledged

6. If she wants to do something she's not normally allowed to do, consider whether there's a way to do it safely while you're there to help. You may always tell her that jumping from the closet to the bed is too dangerous, but at the special time, you can push her to do it.

Place the bed near the dresser and stay with her while she jumps to make sure it's safe. Your child may have wanted to play with their dad's shaving cream for a while, but you're not ready to let them waste an entire tube or clean up the resulting mess. But for "special time," you might decide to give them their own tube of cheap shaving cream, let them play with it in the sink, and then you can both help clean it up.

Why all the trouble? Because your child will know that you truly care about their wishes, even if you can't always give them what they want (thus reducing their tendency to feel like they never get what they want and increasing their overall willingness to cooperate). And because those wishes are no longer forbidden fruit after your child has had the opportunity to indulge her curiosity and experiment, they'll be less likely to try them behind your back.

7. When it's your turn to decide what to do, initiate games that build emotional intelligence and bonding. A quiet talk and an occasional cuddle are fine, but your goal is to help your child release pent-up anxiety—or, in other words, fear—and the surest shortcut is laughter. This usually means rough-and-tumble play that makes your child giggle. I know this sounds like a lot of energy for a tired parent. But it should only take fifteen minutes, and you'll find it rejuvenating for you, too. Play whatever makes your child laugh, which usually means involving them in whatever scares or upsets them—but only to the point where they can control it. You can also tackle a particular problem your child is struggling with by, for example, playing school. Let them play teacher and give you tons of homework, embarrassing you when you don't know the answer. Or play basketball with them and let them dominate the court. In all these games, the parent fumes, babbling, and babbling, but he can't keep up with the strong, quick, and intelligent child who always outsmarts us. The goal is always laughter, which releases the same fears that are released through tears. So, whatever makes your child laugh, laugh more.

8. It's "special time" when the timer goes off. "Special time" has boundaries around it that indicate that its rules don't apply to ordinary life. When the timer goes off, give your child a big hug, tell them how much you loved the time you just had together, and that you'll have special time again soon. If your child has a meltdown, treat them with the same compassionate empathy you would any other meltdown. (I know how hard it is to end special time.) But don't think of it as extending special time, just as you wouldn't give in to any other demand your child has a tantrum about.

9. Know that your child's emotions will often flow during special time, especially at the end. This doesn't mean that there's an unfathomable chasm inside your child. It just means that she feels safer with you after sharing this time with you, so all those feelings she's been dragging around are now coming to the surface for processing. Or it means that abandoning you is triggering all those feelings about how difficult it is to share with you. Children often use the end of quality time to express what's bothering them, so it's a good idea to schedule a short period at the end if your child has a meltdown, especially if you're just starting out or if your child is going through a difficult time. When the meltdown begins, just be sympathetic and give yourself a pat on the back for being the parent your child trusts enough to express all those overwhelming feelings.

What's so special about "quality time"? It transforms your relationship with your child. And since that relationship is what makes good parenting possible, it can't get any more special.