When storm clouds are brewing, even the most well-intentioned parent can provoke and exacerbate the upset rather than calm it. But this is when your child needs your help to learn to regulate himself more than ever.

* Choose a meltdown time. When you notice your child’s behavior is becoming more stubborn, persistent, or deviant, it’s time for a scheduled meltdown. Ignoring his behavior and hoping his mood will improve can only escalate the misbehavior, eventually leading to full-blown upset, often at a time that’s completely inconvenient for you. Instead, go ahead with a scheduled meltdown that fits your schedule—while still being calm enough to react with compassion.

* Regulate your emotions so that you can accept your child’s overwhelming emotions with open arms and help him vent them. When we maintain our composure, it signals to our child that there is no emergency, even if he feels like there is one right now. This helps him feel more secure.

* Set a boundary with compassion. Get down to his level, put your arm around him, look him in the eye, and set the most compassionate boundary possible: “No cookies now, honey, it’s almost dinnertime.” He’ll almost certainly start to melt down.

* Set whatever boundaries are necessary to keep everyone safe while acknowledging your child’s anger. (You’re really mad, but no hitting… I’ll keep us both safe.)

* If he gets angry instead of crying, help him express his fears by lovingly confronting his rebellion. (Honey, you just threw the toy at the kitten. That scared her. Toys aren’t made to be thrown.) Look him in the eye. Stay calm. He’ll either go blank (numb himself), look away in embarrassment, or look you directly in defiance. Either way, get close. (Honey, I see how upset you are. But I’m not letting you hurt the kitten.) At this point, your child will likely refuse to look you in the eye. He may turn and walk away in anger. That’s because the love in your eyes will melt his hardened heart, drowning him in all those painful feelings he’s been holding back. And that scares him, of course. He’ll either burst into tears (success!) or he’ll lash out in anger.

* If your child gets angry, stay in touch with him. Don’t send your child away to calm down on his own. That sends him the message that he’s completely alone in learning to manage his overwhelming, scary emotions.

* If you know what’s going on, acknowledge it: “You’re so angry because Daddy didn’t give you permission to do that.” If you don’t know, say what you see: “You feel so bad.”

* Provide safety. You want him to cry so that his tears can wash away the feelings, just as a wound is cleansed. Try not to talk too much during the moment of breakdown, because that takes your child from his heart to his mind and dries up the tears. Maintain a “sound bridge” of soothing sounds and words that convey a sense of security: “I’m here, not moving… you’re safe.” You should never analyze, evaluate, or comfort him. In fact, you should help him get to that painful place inside him, so remind him with empathy what made him upset: “I really wanted to… I’m so sorry.”

* If he yells at you to go away, say, “I’m going to step back a little bit, just here. But I’m not going to leave you alone with these overwhelming, scary feelings. I’m staying here, and you’re safe.” Because his proximity to you increases his sense of security, and also increases the flow of his feelings of discomfort, he may want to move away to stop those feelings. But wanting you away doesn’t mean he doesn’t need you. Children often admit when they calm down that they didn’t really want us to go away.

* Ignore any rudeness that occurs during a meltdown, don’t take it personally, and resist the urge to retaliate. This is not the time to teach him manners. These feelings are not directed at you, even if he shouts, “I hate you!” When your child says, “You never understand!”

Try to hear it as his information, not yours, that he feels at this moment that no one ever understands him. If he shouts, “I hate you,” respond by saying, “I understand how angry you are, and how hateful you feel right now. And I love you no matter how angry you are. I will always love you, no matter what.”

* Remember that your child may have remembered something scary or painful. When a child releases fears that he has been repressing, his body needs to move, to protect itself just as it wanted to when the upsetting event first happened. This is true for both major traumas, such as medical procedures where someone held him down, and minor traumas, such as Mommy or Daddy crying. Peter Levine describes this in his book, In the Unspoken Voice, as the body’s natural healing process in which it releases trauma and recovers. So if your child seems to be fighting for his life, it’s because he’s re-experiencing all the fight-or-flight stimulation he felt in the original situation, and he may need to move his legs as if he were running, or struggle against those arms that are holding him down. You’ll know his body is releasing if he’s sweating, getting cold, or suddenly having to pee or vomit. Many children like to push our hands away. Sometimes it helps to hold him in your arms with his back to us, so he’s waving away. He may arch his back and throw his head back toward you. Don’t let him hurt you, though, and get out of his reach if you have to to stay safe. Use your soothing voice to keep the emotional bridge open: “You’re safe. It’s okay to let all those feelings out. Nothing can hurt you. I’m here.”

* Keep breathing and stay calm. When your child is working through old fears, he can go on like this for an hour or more. That’s how big the fear was for him. You’re giving him a great gift. Remind yourself that this is the help your child was looking for when he misbehaved. Once he releases these fears, they will disappear, and you and your child will be free from them, and together you will move on to a better life.

* Respect his sadness. Sometimes children will finish this emotional hard work by looking up at you and changing the subject. This is good, it signals to your child that She's done her job for now. Don't worry if she has more to let out; it will come out later. You can say, "Oh, that worked, honey," and follow her to the next topic. But most of the time, after they express their concerns, they break down in your arms crying. Crying in your arms is their chance to let out their deepest sorrows and begin to heal them. Let them cry as much as they want. If they stop making eye contact with you. If they can maintain eye contact with you, they've let out what they need to. If they don't, you can help them release more pent-up emotions by reminding them of what upset them in the first place: "Sorry I didn't cut the sandwich right, honey."

 * Next, reassure your child of your love for them. Children often need reassurance that you still see them as acceptable despite all their upsetting feelings. After the storm has passed, your child is freed from the feelings they had to suppress so stubbornly and becomes more resilient. He may fall asleep, or stay up late to have a great evening with you. He will also feel a stronger connection to you because you have supported him through his inner storm.

* Help your child understand the experience. This doesn’t mean you should “teach him a lesson,” because your child already knows what to expect; he just couldn’t control those overwhelming emotions. Your goal is to help him understand that he was overwhelmed with emotions, and that that’s okay. Language is what helps us understand emotions. Ultimately, understanding through words will reassure him that he is safe even when overwhelmed by emotions, and that he can manage his overwhelming feelings. “I was so upset when I said no to you… I got so angry, and threw your cup… and cried… That was a lot of work… I heard you, Mommy… It’s okay… I’m always here if you need me to show you how I feel… I love you very much.”

* Yes, teach him right. When your child is most vulnerable after a meltdown is not the time to have a discussion with him about his transgression. If you feel you need to teach him, wait until he calms down to remind him of the right behavior, preferably with a light touch that acknowledges that he already knows the rule: (What are cups for? Oh, right, for drinking! Not for throwing, right? Let's get you a glass of water!). If the harm is more severe—say, emotional or physical—you should give your child a more serious message about how it affected the other person, but you should still time it so that it happens after he has calmed down and realizes he wants to "make amends."

 * Expect to see more meltdowns for a few weeks after he has secured your side. If you can't spare time during a tantrum, say, "I love you, but I can't listen to you right now, honey. I'll listen to all your feelings after dinner." Just make sure you follow through on your promise to give him his scheduled meltdown. You may have to spend a month playing this "witness" role to help your child free himself from the pent-up emotions that drive his behavior. But because you’re releasing the feelings of discomfort that were driving your child to misbehave, you’ll find that over time, he or she will have fewer meltdowns, and you’ll notice that he or she will be happier and more cooperative in between meltdowns.

 Yes, this takes a lot of work on your part. But once you realize that you don’t have to fix anything, it gets easier. Notice that what you gave was safety and connection, while your child did the hard work of releasing his or her emotions so that he or she could recover and move on. You’ll need to breathe your way through each meltdown, and you’ll likely need to come up with a little mantra to help you stay calm. This will almost certainly bring up overwhelming emotions from your own childhood, so you may need to find an adult with whom you can vent and cry, too. But wait until you see how close you and your child will feel. It’s worth every ounce of sweat and tears. Little by little, your child will learn that while he or she can’t always get what he or she wants, he or she can always get what’s best—someone who loves and accepts him or her for all that he or she is, including his or her scary side. He will imbibe the ability to tolerate disappointments and other deep discomforts, which is the beginning of stable inner happiness—or resilience.