Every child is born with a desire to connect deeply with other human beings and enjoy mastering the obstacles life presents. That's what makes a person happy. But some children stumble or lose hope in achieving these goals. What stands in their way? Strong needs that remain unmet and strong emotions they cannot manage. Our job as parents is to meet those needs and help our children learn to manage those strong emotions, thereby helping them achieve a high EQ.

Have you noticed the hardest part about helping your child learn to regulate their emotions? Most of us are raised to believe that emotions are dangerous. If we cannot tolerate our own sadness or anger, we will not be able to tolerate our child's sadness or anger. If we cannot accept our child's disappointment, anger, or regret, we send them the message that their feelings are too dangerous to be tolerated. Unfortunately, this will not make their feelings go away. It will only prevent our child from learning how to manage them.

Empathy, the Foundation of Emotional Intelligence

I had a meltdown a few days ago, having a tantrum over something my four-year-old daughter was doing. She took a few steps back, unfazed, and looked at me. She approached me, opened her arms, and hugged me. "You look really upset," she said. "I saw her empathize with me and her meltdowns, and she was able to share my quest for balance and carry me when I needed a little help in my day."

- Candice, mother of a four-year-old

Empathy is not only the foundation of emotional intelligence, it's the foundation of effective parenting, says John Gottman, co-author with Daniel Goleman of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Why? Because it's essential to your ability to understand and connect with your child. Because it will prevent you from projecting your own childhood problems onto your child. And because, without it, your child simply won't feel loved, no matter how much you love her.

Empathy is often defined as seeing things from the other person's point of view. But empathy is actually a physical activity, controlled by the insula in the right hemisphere of our brain. Remember how the right hemisphere of the brain was structured during the first two years before your child could speak? Scientists believe that the right hemisphere is what facilitates intimacy. The insula connects the brain to the heart, digestive system, and skin. So when our heart beats, or our Our stomachs tingle, or our skin crawls, meaning the insula is sending us a message. And when we feel deep empathy, we feel it within our bodies. This means that the truest definition of empathy is seeing things from the other person's perspective.

When a parent bestows the gift of empathy on a struggling child, that deep connection changes everything. Empathy strengthens their bond. Empathy helps the child feel understood, and that she's not alone in her pain and suffering. Empathy heals. And experiencing empathy teaches a child the deepest ways humans connect, providing a launching pad for every future relationship.

How do children develop empathy? It happens naturally, as part of healthy emotional development, as long as they receive empathy from their caregivers. Perhaps this is why parenting with empathy is a double gift for your child: In addition to your empathy helping them learn to manage their own emotions, receiving your empathy also helps them develop empathy for others. Giving empathy is also a gift to you, because children who feel your empathy are more receptive to your guidance. Translation: It makes parenting a lot easier!

But most parents find the idea of ​​parenting with empathy unnerving. How exactly do you do that?

You already know the answer. Every time you say, "I know how you feel," or, "It sounds like you've had a rough day," you're being empathetic. Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from your child's perspective, that's empathy. Sounds simple, right? So why is empathy so powerful? Imagine empathy as a mirror you hold up to your child. Your acceptance and understanding of what they're feeling helps them recognize and accept their own emotions. That's what allows emotions to release and begin to fade. We don't need to act on our emotions or even appease them; we just need to acknowledge their presence to free ourselves from them.

Accepting your child's emotions teaches them that their emotional life isn't dangerous or shameful; in fact, it's a universal reality and easy to manage. Everyone has been there; there's even a name for it! They feel understood and accepted. They know they won't be left alone to deal with their strong emotions.

What Empathy Isn't

* Permissiveness. You can (and should) set boundaries. But the key is to acknowledge your child's dissatisfaction with those boundaries. It's important for your child to be able to tolerate their disappointment and anger with you, along with all their other emotions.

* Problem-solving. The goal is to help them work through their feelings of discomfort so they can start thinking about solutions themselves, not solve the problem for them. When they express their feelings about something, you want to listen and acknowledge them, not rush to solutions. This means managing your own anxiety about the problem at hand (which means pushing away your anxious feelings and resisting taking action).

* Validation. Accepting and acknowledging their feelings doesn't mean you agree with them or endorse them. You're showing them that you understand, nothing more, nothing less. If you've ever felt understood, you know how great a gift this can be.

* Investigation. (Tell me how you feel.) Is not empathy. Empathy is sitting with what she shows you about her experience, not ripping off a band-aid to examine the wound.

* Analysis. (I think you're angry because you're jealous because today is your sister's birthday.) Empathy is accepting what someone is expressing and staying with it, not confusing them by digging into their psyche—even if you're right. A simple statement like, "You look grumpy today, honey," will help her better understand what's going on. Even the words themselves aren't necessary, especially as children get older, because labeling feelings is a way to understand the meaning of the words.

People often feel like they're being analyzed or criticized. Simply saying "Um..." or "Wow!" or "I'm sorry about that" with warmth and compassion will help your child feel understood.

* Catastrophizing. Match your reaction to her mood. Being a little disappointed because her team lost a soccer game doesn't deserve your reaction as if someone died.

* Arguing with the emotion. This only disqualifies her and makes her feel guilty about her feelings. It also pushes the emotion below conscious awareness, carrying a negative feeling around, ready to resurface at the slightest provocation.

* Trying to entertain her. You certainly want to help her work through her uncomfortable feelings, but you don't want to give her the message that you need to escape them. Once she has a safe opportunity to notice, accept, and express the emotion to herself or to you, it will naturally dissipate. Then you'll feel ready for "entertainment" in the form of a change of scenery and subject. You'll have given her the message that everything about her is acceptable, including her uncomfortable feelings.

What Counts as Empathy

* Listening and accepting without pressure to resolve anything. You don't need to resolve anything, and you don't need to agree with her opinions, but you do need to accept that your child has a right to their feelings. Don't take it personally.

* Simulation, acknowledgment, and reflection. (You're so mad at your brother.) Or (Oh my God! Look at you, how fed up you are!) Or (You look anxious about the sleepover.)

* Respecting healthy boundaries. The fact that you empathize doesn't mean you should lose your sense of security. Your warm understanding shows that you understand that she thinks it's the end of the world, while at the same time, your ability to remain emotionally balanced reassures her that there is light at the end of the tunnel.