The 3-Minute Way to Go from Upset to Peace

11:33:7

2025-01-18

(Dr. Laura... you say the way to avoid yelling is to wait until I calm down, then try to get my son back on track. But when my anger boils over, I don’t calm down that quickly. It can take me an hour to distract myself. Meanwhile, my son is still doing something wrong and I have to correct him.) —Jen, mom

The “stop, let go, breathe” approach assumes that you can calm yourself down quickly enough to try again to deal with the behavior that triggered you. But when your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, you’re filled with neurochemicals telling you to attack. Your child looks like an enemy, and you feel an urgent need to “correct him.”

But your body doesn’t need an hour to calm down unless you’ve just met a tiger. I’m serious: whatever your child did, it really isn’t an emergency. If it takes you more than a few minutes to calm down, it’s because you haven’t told your body that it was a false alarm. Your body is still in fight-or-flight mode. Your mind is still at war, so it takes you an hour to “distract” it.

No matter what your child just did, you’ll react more constructively from a place of calm. Here’s a three-minute epiphany that will give you a new perspective and calm your fight-or-flight response.

Minute 1: What’s the thought that’s bothering you?

* Say it to yourself silently. It might be something like, “He’s underestimating my authority… I need to nip this behavior in the bud.” or “He’s just manipulating me!”

* Keep in mind that this thought that’s driving your upset is most likely fear-based, which means it doesn’t hold as much truth as the situation does when interpreted from a loving perspective.

Minute 2: Know that there’s always another side to every story.

* Keep in mind that this thought has undoubtedly crossed your parents’ minds once or twice, and you’ve grown up just fine. Your child will grow up just fine, too.

* Think about the situation from your child’s perspective. For example: ((He’s showing me how upset he is… He has a right to have feelings.))

* Think about how your upsetting thought makes you treat your child. If you let go of that thought, how would you respond to your child?

Minute 3: Help your body release the emotion

* Press the pressure point on the edge of your hand (the karate sword) and breathe deeply.

* Say to yourself while you’re pressing, “Despite my upset, I’m safe. I can calm myself and handle this situation.”

* If you find yourself yawning, that’s great—your body is letting go. The more you practice this, the faster your body will calm down.

Now go back to your child and start again from a place of love. Does that sound hard? It is, because attack hormones flood us when we’re angry. But when we broaden our horizons a little, we get to the root of the mental state that’s triggering the yelling and change it. Every thought that comes from either fear or love, choose love.

Note that you can still direct your child—but respectfully. If you do this whenever you find yourself yelling or about to yell, you will soon develop enough mindfulness to stop yourself before you start yelling.