((In the absence of reflection, history often repeats itself... Research has clearly shown that our children's attachment to us will be affected by what happened to us when we were young unless we begin to process and understand those experiences.))
- Dan Siegel
The famous psychologist Dr. W. Winnicott made many wise observations about parents and children. My favorite is that children do not need perfection from their parents. All we have to do is avoid hurting them, and give them the "ordinary devotion" that has always been demanded of parents.
That's not as easy as it sounds, unfortunately. First, because there is nothing ordinary about devotion. Devotion as parents know it is pacing up and down the room tirelessly at 2 a.m. with a child screaming with an ear infection. Devotion is forcing yourself to go to the kitchen to make dinner for your children after a long day, when all you really want to do is curl up on the couch and get away.
Devotion is taking off your coat on a cold night to tuck it in a sleeping child in the back seat of the car. That ordinary devotion is the same strong love that has led parents throughout human history to throw themselves between their children and danger, whether that danger is flying glass or enemy soldiers.
But even if we show our devotion by being willing to put our children first, it’s still hard to be a “good enough” parent. Even the most dedicated mom and dad often inadvertently hurt or hurt a child. That includes parents who adore their children and are prepared to act heroically and selflessly if the situation calls for it. Why the gap between our intentions and our actions? It’s because while we would never intentionally hurt our child, much of parenting, like all relationships, happens outside of our conscious awareness.
The truth is, we’ve all been hurt as children, and if we don’t heal those wounds, they’ll keep us from raising our children the way we truly want to. If you had a scar as a child, trust me, that scar will cause you grief as a parent—and it will scar your child as well.
We can all think of examples: the father who unwittingly replicates his father’s critical parenting style with his son. The mother who can’t set boundaries because she can’t stand her children’s anger, and ends up raising selfish, anxious children. The father who works too many hours at their jobs because they doubt their ability to care for their children (or rather, their ability to love them). The main task for all of us is to consciously examine our scars—the small and the painful—so that we don’t inflict new scars on our children.
The good news is that our position as parents gives us a map of where those scars are, and an opportunity to dig deep and heal ourselves. Children have an uncanny ability to show us where our wounds are, to extract our fears and anger. Children provide us with the perfect opportunity to grow and heal, with a skill that surpasses that of the best spiritual teachers and therapists. Most parents say that their love for their children has changed them, making them more patient, more compassionate, and more selfless. We will always be hypersensitive to the issues that shaped our early psyches, but as we heal the lingering injuries, our behavior will no longer be driven by them, and we will find that these scars enlighten and motivate us, making us better parents.
So how can you address your childhood problems and become a better parent to your children?
• Parenting with awareness. If we pay attention, we will notice when a child strikes a chord with us. This is not to say that children will never act like children—they always do. Their age dictates. But what upsets some parents, other parents may welcome with a calm, warm, and humorous approach that makes children want to be disciplined. Every time we are “triggered,” we stumble upon something that needs to be addressed. I’m not kidding. Whenever your child strikes a chord, he or she is showing you an unresolved issue from your own childhood.
. Break the cycle. Use your internal pause button. You don’t have to relive your past with your kids. Even if you’re already halfway down the wrong path, stop. Take a deep breath, and press the pause button. Remind yourself of what will happen if you don’t choose another path. Shut your mouth even in the middle of a sentence. Don’t be embarrassed—you’re setting an example of good anger management. Save your embarrassment for when you have a tantrum.
. Understand how emotions work. Anger is a message that something is wrong in our lives. The problem is that anger is also a biological state that makes it difficult for us to find optimal solutions. When we’re caught in the chemical responses that make us “angry,” we do and say things that we would never choose to do in our normal state. When your body and emotions are stuck in fight-or-flight mode, your child often seems like the enemy. Take a breath, and wait until you’ve calmed down before making any decisions or taking any actions.
. Press the replay button on “your story.” If you had a traumatic childhood, you can’t change that. What you can change is what you take with you from that childhood: your “story.” You do that by reflecting on it and feeling its painful feelings, but also by looking at it from new perspectives. If your father left the family, and you concluded that you weren’t good enough, it’s time to put things in perspective and understand, from your adult vantage point, that you were more than enough, and that his departure had nothing to do with you. If your mother hit you, and you concluded that you were a naughty child, the more accurate understanding is that your mother was afraid, and would have hit the most angelic child in the world. You were like any child: seeking love and attention in the only ways you knew how. Coming to terms with and rewriting your story can be a painful, but liberating, process. It’s also the only way to become the reassuring parent you want to be for your child.
. Reduce stress. It’s hard for all of us to be the parents we want to be when we’re overwhelmed. Develop a repertoire of habits that help you relieve stress: Go for a walk.
Walk around, and have everyone go to bed with a book early on Friday night for a quiet, relaxing evening and some sleep.
. Seek support in dealing with old issues. Every mother needs support and a chance to talk about the hard work she is doing. Sometimes we can find that informally with relatives. Other times, with another mother. If you feel stuck, find a counselor to help you move forward with a happier life. There is no shame in asking for help, but there is shame in shirking your responsibility as a mother by physically and emotionally damaging your child. If you think you need help, please don’t hesitate. Seek it now.
No parent is perfect, because humans are imperfect. No matter how hard we work on ourselves, we cannot always leave a positive impact on our children. But every time you pay attention and press your internal pause button and control your stress, you will become more reassured. This gives your child a greater chance at happiness.
Winnicott was right. Our children don’t need perfection from us, they need a mom who embraces growth, puts things in perspective, and opens up when you feel they’re getting hard.
How to Manage Your Anger
“This powerful approach changed my life. The best part is that you don’t have to be perfect. You have to be real, honest, and able to admit when you’re wrong. Instead of moments of rage, create loving connections and moments of sharing your true emotions with your children. Those real moments teach our children how to be the best versions of themselves, the real, not the perfect.” - Carrie, mother of two boys under four.
As a human being, you will sometimes find yourself in fight-or-flight mode, and your child will start to see you as the enemy. When you’re angry, you’re physically ready to fight. Hormones and neurotransmitters are surging through your body. They make your muscles tense, your heart rate quicken, and your breath catch. It’s impossible to stay calm at this stage, but we all know that attacking our children – even though it may bring momentary relief – is not really what we want to do.
So make a commitment now not to hit, not to curse, not to call your child names, not to threaten. What about yelling? Never, ever, with your children. It’s called a “tantrum.” If you really need to yell, get in your car, roll down the windows and yell where no one can hear you. Don’t use words, because they will only make you angrier.
Your children get angry too, so making a commitment to manage your anger constructively will be a double gift to them. You will be setting an example for them. Your children will see you angry from time to time, and the way you handle those situations will teach them a lot. Do you want to teach them that the strongest prevails? And that parents have tantrums too? Or do you want to teach them that anger is part of being human, and that learning to manage anger responsibly is part of growing up? Here’s how:
* Take a five-minute break. Realize that anger is not the best forum to intervene in any situation. Instead, give yourself a time-out, and come back when you’re able to handle it calmly. If your child is old enough to be alone for a while, you can splash water on your face and take a few deep breaths. Just say, as calmly as you can, “I’m too angry to talk about the problem now. I’m going to take a short break and calm down.” Quitting doesn’t mean your child has won. But it does give them a sense of the seriousness of the violation, and sets an example of self-control.
Take a deep, quiet breath, and sing a little chant that will calm you down. Your child will watch you and not worry about having to teach her a lesson about what she did wrong. She’ll be learning one of the most important lessons she’ll ever learn: how to manage overwhelming emotions responsibly.
* Help your body release anger. When you feel this much anger, you need a calming device. Stop, breathe, and remind yourself that this is not an emergency. Shake your hands to release tension. Take ten deep breaths. If you need to make a noise, hum. You can try to find a way to laugh, because laughter dissipates tension and changes the mood. Just forcing yourself to smile sends a message to your nervous system that there is no emergency, and it begins to calm you down.
Press the pressure point on the edge of your palm (or the blade of your hand as it is called in karate) while you breathe and express your intention to calm down.
* Change your thoughts so that your feelings change. If you think that your child is a spoiled brat who will grow up to be a murderer, the truth is that your child is a very young person, in pain and showing you through his behavior. Remind yourself: “He is acting like a child, because he is a child… My child needs love the most when he is least ‘deserving’ of it… He is asking me to help him deal with his legitimate needs and feelings.”
* Listen to your anger instead of acting on it. Anger, like any emotion, is a gift as valuable as arms and legs. It is our responsibility to choose what to do with it. Anger often has a valuable lesson for us, but acting out anger, except in rare situations that require self-defense, is rarely productive, because we make choices that we would never make in a rational state. The productive way to deal with anger is to limit our expression of it, and to use it after we have calmed down to diagnose: What is wrong in our life that we feel so angry, and what do we need to do to change the situation? Sometimes the answer is clearly related to our parenting style: We need to change our approach before things get out of hand, or start putting the kids to bed half an hour earlier, or make some repairs to our relationship with our nine-year-old daughter so she stops being so mean to us. Sometimes, we are surprised to discover that our anger is actually at our spouse who is not fulfilling his or her role as a full parent.
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