Human behavior is not one-size-fits-all, and parenting styles are no exception. But nearly 50 years ago, a team of researchers led by Diana Baumrind observed families and developed four parenting style descriptions that most parents use. Updated versions of these four descriptions are still used today by most child development experts as a useful tool for understanding parenting behavior. Do you see yourself in any of these parenting styles? 1. Authoritarian. Research shows that authoritarian parents have high expectations for their children, and that this is a good thing. This is how kids get good grades, learn to manage themselves responsibly, and stay out of trouble. The problem is that these parents don’t offer their kids much support. They say, “Try harder, straighten up, improve yourself, I’m just showing you what I see.” These parents are often raised this way and often believe they’re growing up well, but research shows that their children often end up rebelling during their teenage years. They are also more vulnerable to peer pressure because they are not used to thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for their behavior, and because children who do not receive adequate support end up looking for love in all the wrong places.

2. Permissive. Most permissive parents try hard not to replicate the strict love style of their parents. So they go too far in the opposite direction. These are the parents who give their children a lot of support, which is necessary. But there are two problems with this parenting style. The first is that parents who use this style often send their children the message that they should avoid disappointment, frustration, and other upsetting emotions at all costs. It is difficult for their children to learn that it is possible to cope with unhappiness and bounce back, which is crucial to developing resilience. The second problem is that the permissive style avoids setting high limits and expectations. Some parents think this is a good thing—they don’t want to hinder their children’s natural development. Others can’t stand their children suffering because they can’t regulate their own anxiety. But children who never have to “manage” themselves to respect boundaries and live up to expectations have a hard time developing self-discipline. Don’t get me wrong—there’s no such thing as “too much respect” or “too much empathy.” But if you allow your child to belittle you or others, what are you teaching them about relationships? This approach to parenting tends to produce selfish, anxious, and low-resilience children.

3. The Neglectful. There have always been these types of parents who can’t give their children the love and attention they need, whether because they’re alcoholics, narcissists, or simply have to work two jobs to support the family. But it seems to me that this parenting style is more prevalent today than ever before, at least in some societies, as we rationalize placing children in foster care at an earlier age than ever before, and then they grow up and we leave them to their own lives with their peers, so that we have little or no influence over them in their teens. The most neglectful parents sometimes evaporate into drug addiction or abandonment, but I also see (normal) nurturing families where both parents are too distracted by their work or social lives to engage deeply with their children. It’s not uncommon to see these parents shower their children with money instead of attention. This often sends a message to the child that he or she is not worthy of love, and if both parents are inattentive, the lack of connection often results in a child with anxiety, substance abuse, or other problems.

4. Authoritarian. This last parenting style is what Baumrind’s research has shown that better-adjusted children forget. Authoritarian parents—unlike authoritarians—give their children lots of love and support, just like permissive parents. But they also have high expectations, just like authoritarian parents. Expectations that are age-appropriate, of course—they don’t expect a three-year-old to clean her room by herself. But they are more likely to team up with that three-year-old to help her clean, over and over, until at age six she can actually clean the room on her own. These parents are engaged with their children—and even demanding. They expect family dinners, lots of ongoing discussions through high school, good grades, and responsible behavior. But they also give their children full support in learning how to meet these expectations. Most importantly, these parents are not as controlling as authoritarian parents. They listen to the child’s point of view, compromise, and cede control where possible. It’s no surprise that their children stick close to them—a child will often describe one parent as the person they trust most to talk to about a problem. These kids typically do well in school, and are described by teachers as responsible and likeable. They are simply nice kids who are a joy to be around.

Because the term authoritarian is so close to authoritarian, and often confuses parents, I prefer to call this style “empathetic with boundaries.” It’s important to note that the issue isn’t simply finding a middle ground between strictness and permissiveness. In fact, the genius of Baumrind’s approach is that it combines two continuums: demanding and responsive. Join me here, because you’re about to discover the answer to many parenting dilemmas. Here’s how these two continuums—demanding and responsiveness—form the four parenting styles.

Do you see how this could play out in everyday life? For example, what do parents do when their 8-year-old brings in a bad report card?

• The bully. Yells at the child and punishes him or her until the next report card is due, when the grades should improve. End of discussion. Maybe he or she hires a tutor, which is presented as a punishment, or maybe he or she replaces an activity the child enjoys, such as basketball. The child is left disengaged and angry, and has to find something to improve himself or herself.

• The indulgent. The indulgent parent listens sympathetically. She accepts the child’s excuse that it’s all the teacher’s fault, and asks the child to please try to do better next time. She may tell the child that she believes in him or even offer suggestions about working harder—but she doesn’t give him any real help in figuring out how to change things. She doesn’t provide a new system that can actually teach him the necessary information and skills. If the child expresses some vulnerability, such as a fear that he simply can’t do math or organize himself, the permissive mother can’t stand the anxiety, so she reassures him that he has what it takes. Her child is left completely alone with his fears.

• Neglected. What school report?

• Boundaries mixed with empathy. She asks the child if he was surprised by the report card, what he thinks caused this situation, and what he thinks he can do to learn his subjects and raise his grades. She agrees with the child on a plan, a plan that includes many boundaries and high expectations to make up for the losses. But this is not just a boot camp. This mother is completely empathetic to how difficult this change is for her son. More importantly, she sees herself as partly responsible and an essential part of the process of recovery. She gives him her quiet hope, so he can manage his anxiety as he climbs out of the hole, he’s dug for himself.

See how that works? A parent who adopts the empathic-boundary style has high expectations just as an authoritarian parent does and is just as much of a leader with her children. At the same time, she gives them more empathy, understanding, listening, and respect, so the child doesn’t get defensive and is more likely to take charge. The difference between permissiveness and empathic-boundary is that we have high expectations and better regulate our anxiety, so that our child is supported in dealing with what’s difficult. The difference in the degree of involvement, I think, is clear—parents who use the empathic-boundary style are more involved with their children than other parenting styles. And that’s probably why they’re happier parents.